The Post-Mortem

So it’s a while since I’ve updated this. Partly because there was nothing to say for a while but also because I was focusing on getting myself into a better place mentally, which I am now thank goodness.

The couple of weeks after the failed IVF were a blur of anger, upset and bitterness. I was a horror to be with and argued with my husband over NOTHING.. He would let me shout and then hug me until I had cried myself better.

As I mentioned previously, because we didn’t even get to the end of the cycle, it was possible we may have been able to apply for funding for another full round. We had a appointment to go over what happened with the consultant and discuss our next steps.

My husband and I actually had a blazing row on the way the the appointment so weren’t in the best frame of mind when we got there. The consultant called us in and before he’d even sat down said “well that was a disaster wasn’t it”. That compassionate little line right there pretty much sums up our experience with the fertility specialists.

He then went on to say things like “well it’s no good getting the eggs if they’re no good and yours obviously aren’t” and “maybe it’s time you considered donor eggs”.

He also dropped the bombshell that due to my AMH levels I wasn’t actually eligible for my first round. I had NOT ONCE been told that. So basically that was the end of the road with IVF using my own eggs and neither me nor my husband want to use donor eggs. We’d gone to that appointment looking for hope and had left feeling worse than before; I made the decision there and then that I did not want to go back to that place. I didn’t care what he said I WOULD have a child and I will find a way to do it.

For a while leading up to the IVF round I had been following a lady called Angela Heap on Instagram who specialises in fertilty nutrition. I saw something she posted about Wheatgrass being good for early stage foetal development and also, anecdotally, collecting more eggs at IVF. I therefore drank my swamp juice (wheatgrass) daily for the month leading up to my collection. Despite the fact that none of our embryos made it to blastocyst stage all the professionals commented that I got more eggs than they expected, which I fully believe was the wheatgrass.

Due to that little glimmer of hope we decided to get in touch with Angela about working with her going forward in trying to grow out family. I told her our story up to that point, she responded so quickly and was so kind. In fact I was in tears at how nice she was because she was the first person to be nice and show compassion throughout this whole process.

We have had a telephone consultation with her in which she said our situation had been handled so badly and that my body was basically being forced to do things it wasn’t ready to do. She also told us that the AMH test is basically a load of shit and that all it tells you is how well you respond to IVF drugs and not your ability to conceive naturally. AMH should be above 6, mine is 3.3, but Angela has had successful pregnancies with ladies who had an AMH of less than 1.

I expected to feel worse than I do about what happened to us earlier this year but to be honest it kind of feels like it never happened. I also feel a bit like my brain isn’t ready to let me think about it yet. I’ve just enjoyed a brilliant month (yes month) celebrating my 30th but can feel the sadness coming back now everything is going back to normal. I do feel positive, and pretty much all my bitterness has gone, but it’s hard to stay upbeat all the time when it still feels like there’s such a long journey ahead of us.

We have to save up for a little while now to pay to work with Angela so for now we’re just enjoying being a family of 2.

When nothing is certain anything is possible.

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