Can something you never had break your heart? I think so.

The last six days have been the biggest emotional roller coaster of my life.. with no happy ending.

Six days ago was my egg collection (The details of which I have explained in a previous post)

Five days ago we found out four of the seven eggs collected were mature and all four fertilised. We then faced a two day wait to find out how many would progress to the  stage suitable for transfer.

Three days ago we were told one of the embryos hadn’t changed, one only slightly and two more so but not enough. This news took the wind out of me; until this point I hadn’t even considered the version of this story where we didn’t get any embryos to transfer. The embryologist said this does happen and sometimes the embryos pull through. She couldn’t give us any odds and said it was just a waiting game to see what happened. Another horribly long two day wait stretched out in front of us. We were given a potential transfer slot for two days time and told they would ring us before 9.30 that morning if they needed to cancel the transfer. So basically if we received another phone call it would mark the end.

The thought of that phone call haunted both me and my husband for the next 48 hours. The night before the potential transfer neither of us really slept and at about 7.30am I couldn’t lie there anymore so decided on making coffee and doing some yoga to pass the time. Willing the clock to fast forward to 9.30.

At 8.15 my phone rang. It was over. One of the most heartbreaking images of this whole experience was when Matthew walked in the kitchen and saw that I was on the phone. A face I never want to see again.. An awful mixture of heartbreak, anguish and disappointment. Seeing the one person you love most in the world break in front of you is horrendous.. And there was nothing I could do.

After breaking the news, the embryologist explained that as we didn’t get through a full cycle we may be entitled to another egg collection on the NHS but as guidelines have recently changed we just have to wait and see on that one.

In the meantime we’re trying to be strong for each other and take it a day at a time until we know the next step.

This is not the end.

Even the darkest nights will end and the sun will shine.

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